Thrusters Engaged
by ArtemisBare
Summary: Written as an accompanying fic to Perry Downing's Unbidden but can be read alone if you just go with the prompt that Kylo Ren has a way to contact Leia. She drunk dials him and worries that her little boy might not know how sex works and tries to give him "The Talk". He is properly horrified. /s/12760320/1/Unbidden


The comm woke him during his sleep cycle which was his first clue that it wasn't his beloved Rey. At this point they were so attuned to one another that he could probably know what she was doing every moment of the day not matter the different schedules. Glancing blearily at his clock he knew that at this hour she should have just gone to sleep, while it was dead of night on his shift.

Awkwardly running his hands through his hair to keep it out of his eyes, he began to search through his bed with increasing desperation as awful thoughts flooded his mind.

What if someone had stolen the comm unit and was trying to infiltrate the Order? Maker, what if she was **hurt**!? He couldn't feel anything through the bond but that didn't stop the rising panic as he frantically tried to find the cursed thing. An awful miasma of thoughts swirled through his head as his fingers finally grasped it

"Hello! REY?" His voice sounded off to him as a high buzzing noise radiated through his mind. His stomach clenched in fear at what news he might hear.

"Ben….issat...issat you?" The voice was achingly familiar but so strange sounding. Could the unit be malfunctioning, adding a distortion? But wait no….it couldn't be his-

"Uh, Mother is that you?"

"Ah...of..course it is my sweet lil Benny Bean".

That name. Oh Maker...that name only meant one thing.

"Mother have you been drinking again!?"

A short silence proceeded this very reasonable question as he assumed she gathered her thoughts or perhaps flipped off the comm unit as she was wont to do when people got shirty with her.

"Ben. Benny. I am a...a..General...if I want to stay up late with a glass or two of Cor—Corr- Currilli-, of wine. I CAN! Besides I'm worried about you and I can't stop thinking about you little Beanpole."

If there were any justice in the world she would fall asleep on the speakerphone and just let this end. Perhaps this was a dream. An awful, Awful dream.

Her voice broke through his thoughts in a harsh whisper "Ben….I was thinking over what you tol' me and I realized between me and yer...your Uncle you may not know how...how to...uh...'properly engage thrusters'"

"Mother. Mom." Awkwardly clearing his throat he held the device close to his mouth as if afraid of passing droids of hearing "I am perfectly aware of how to...'engage thrusters', I don't need-"

"Shhhe shh. I know yer...your father was away a lot and didn't have time before….well before. And Luke." At the subject of Luke she made a very undignified noise that he was not aware princesses made "Well lets just say that man's been closer to more of those weird milk creatures on that island than a real woman and her set of-"

At this he cut her off with a strangled choking that had her cooing soothing nonsense into the phone. Perhaps he could suggest Rey get her a baby animal. Something canine perhaps. Anything, anything at all to keep this from happening again.

Loudly clearing his throat to indicate he was fine he proceeded to talk over his mothers drunken cooing.

"Mom I am _very_ aware of how those things work and am extensively prepped on proper safety procedures. Now please for the love of sanity, sleep?"

"All'ight my sweet Benny Bean. Do you need any tips or anything? You know back in the day your father and I were uh, pretty frisky." At this terrible declaration and corresponding lusty chuckle he suddenly hoped Hux was about to come by, denounce him as a traitor and give him a mercy killing. It couldn't possibly get worse.

And yet it did.

"Why I remember back on Endor after the Battle we must have found _every_ comfortable patch of moss on that planet"

Could he make _himself_ forget things through the force? Is that a thing?

"And don't e'en get me started on the Falcon, whew!"

Nononononononononononononononono

"Mom I have to go. The First Order, it's uh...going to murder some porgs. Horribly. Or Ewoks! Both?"

Seemingly not hearing him or not caring one whit about porgs or ewoks she continued on with misty eyed, remembrance of past bonings.

"Every-"

"Mom!"

"Room-"

"Mother no!"

"In-"

"Sweet Maker!"

"The-"

"I don't need to hear this!

Falcon-"

"MomIHavetoGoDoSupremeLeaderStuffGottaGoBye"

With that he pressed the End button hard enough that he was briefly concerned he broke it.

Hurriedly he raced to the fresher vowing to blow up any wineries with rebel ties and blame it on Hux. Some things were never meant for large ears to hear. The heat of the water could not sooth the shaking Force User as he promised himself that first thing in the morning he was going to look up how to erase his own memories. Or right now. After the shower.

Now. Now was good.


End file.
